Quick entry here, to show I'm still very much alive and active in my endeavors. Holy fuck Japanese grammar is hard. Holy shit music production is overwhelming. Holy balls am I lonely. What is so hard about making friends in this modern world? I'm not a complete lost cause, I tend to get along with other people. Hell, I can even make them laugh pretty consistently! It's just too late to form meaningful connections with people, I guess.

How do you even create a long-term friendship these days? Because obviously you have to initiate an interaction beyond the temporary situation you both find yourselves in, and you have to be around that person enough to be confident in them reciprocating your feelings about them. I might be overthinking it, as always, but I don't know... I feel like I'm making sense here. It doesn't help that the country is being flooded with ugly brown people who can barely speak English, and they'll exclude me no matter what - not that there is anything interesting going on in their brain for me to pick at. It's unfortunate. Bah.

My parents are back now. That week of mostly inactivity is now over. I miss it. I liked using the treadmill at 1am in the blistering heat. I wished I was more productive. I haven't really done anything design-related for so long, I am just so creatively dead. My weird autistic brain needs to have a fully formed idea, or else my output will be shit. Give me ideas, my little website viewers! Email me!!!

I know I'm not too consistant on these, I apologise. I have been slacking off with this website in general. I'm not losing interest, but I'm slowing down a lot when I really shouldn't be -- this place has nearly 3,000 views somehow? It's a little crazy that it's at that number, I wonder how many people get deep enough to read these... anyway, back to my little diary.

I finished my short music class this Friday. We performed in front of like a dozen people, with a rendition of Linkin Park's "In the End", two solo acts, and our own composed spoken word "song" with vocals by a black guy who can barely speak English or stay on beat. I also made a little music visualiser to accompany everything, so at least I was able to tie in my design skills somewhat and learn a new software (TouchDesginer, which is a node-based programming tool, you can do a ton with it). Overall, the whole thing was alright, and probably not a waste of time compared to if I had just spent that week doing what I typically do (fuck all). The other people in the class were chill enough, a little autistic like me, but not "like me" if you get what I mean. I will not miss them.

My parents left for a week on Friday, so if anyone cares to dox me and murder me, now would be the best window to do so. They're going to Tenerife, which is their weird special interest because they refuse to go literally anywhere else. Whenever they're home I just see them watching Tenerife videos on Youtube, and I find it all to be incredibly depressing behaviour. Like, do you people have no hobbies? I'm making a website >:]. At the very least, I get to choose what I eat for a week, a small taste of living alone, so naturally I got a shitload of tiramasu and fish fingers to make sandwiches with. I enjoy the silence, and it's also very nice and warm outside, so I can enjoy the nice weather for once too.

Still learning Japanese, going to start getting into Bunpro and Ranshuu maybe, spread my wings a little. I feel like this language is only made for the extremely autistic to learn, with the amount of intricacies and variations of particles... but that's such a good thing! It means few other people have a fucked-up enough brain to do it, and it means less people want to immigrate to Japan so they can ruin it. This is probably going to take a couple more years, y'know, before I'm even able to speak at a basic level, but it'll be so worth it.

Another small thing I'm doing is downloading a shitload of design books for later consumption. I don't like video tutorials, I much prefer written tutorials with perhaps some visual aid. I'm mainly ripping them off Internet Archive, using the downloader extension, and for something that is meant to be entirely open to the public it's oddly restrictive on books. Like, you need to confirm you have some sort of reading disability to gain access, which is frankly ridiculous. I'll probably lie for once in my life so I can get access, it's not like I'm not owed them >:[

Hey hey everybody. I am here to report on the music course -- it is alright. For some reason they decided to have a very loud course take place in a room that is not soundproofed, and also is right next to the entrance so literally everybody can hear it. This has resulted in multiple catty middle-aged HAGS intruding on the premisis and request that we "turn it down" like there's volume control on a fucking drum kit.

My main complaint would be that actually playing instruments is a rarity, because there's so much time setting up, and also we're forced into doing useless activities that involve "reflecting on our progress" and surface level music theory. I am also the most neurotypical person in the classroom, and I have to wait on all my inferior peers to catch up! I can't say much for the other people, notable figures include: DRUMS guy who will only insist on playing DRUMS and nothing else (which sucks because I wanted to be the DRUMS guy), two black gentlemen who cannot be understood and also have poor music taste, and the person who wears headphones the entire time which I think defeats the point of what we're doing here in the first place. It is tedious waiting on these people. When it comes to fellow spergs, I am pretty pro-eugenics.

It is nice whenever I do get the chance to play the drums or the keyboard every once in a while. There is something very satisfying about the drums in particular, it is fun hitting multiple things simultaneously and have it actually sound nice. I may invest in getting into drums, I'll put it behind the bee hive on the list of weird hobbies I want to pick up. God, I really need to move out next year, actually start living my goddamn life. I am so ready for independance.

Japanese is going well, I feel as if it's coming together for me. Like, I see kanji and I'm like "ah, this means sun". Still too freaked out about grammar, but I'm going to invest in the Genki books in a week or so and see how I get on with them -- can't be too hard, right? I now have a legitimate desire to learn Japanese and live out the rest of my days in rural Japan, dying alone, but content :).

It is beginning to dawn on me that this website is dogshit. But I do not care that much, I think I will continue to update it. It can only get better from here, right?

I went to a taster day for that music course I mentioned in the previous entry. I think I may have set my expectations too high -- my motivation was to get into learning reactive music visualisation, and I figured having some fundamental understanding of music theory would help in understanding how to configure whatever instrument I plug into it. Seems like it is a more exclusively practical ordeal, hosted by double threat genderblobs. Everybody else in the class definitely had something wrong with them too, and I guess I fit in nicely amongst them, being an antisocial sperg myself. I like to think myself at least somewhat competent at masking, but that falls apart as soon as I actually begin talking.

The way I talk is very quick and disjointed. I speak fast, too quick for my mind to follow, and I soon forget any plan I made in my head when I initially laid the foundation for what I was attempting to say. I try too hard to not be weird, and it backfires and makes me borderline incomprehensible. I hate pausing, it makes me seem slow. I hate being percieved as slow most of all. I do try to speak like how I type here, which is also very spergy and repetitive at points, but at least it's mostly understandable. Anyway, I'm stuck in this class now, at least it's only a week. Painless, really. It starts on Monday and ends on a Friday, so I'll be sure to update this as the days go by, detailing my experience. Maybe I'll learn something, but I'm not exactly hopeful.

I have decided that I will not be half-assedly typing these anymore and instead will opt to actually use capitalisation and punctuation in my writing for your reading pleasure (if anybody is actually reading this). I don't think it benefits anyone if I were to continue writing like an edgy teenager -- I am a grown man who will likely be employed in the near future, I should ACT like it. If there are any other improvements I can make to this website that doesn't involve me killing myself or deleting this site from the internet I WOULD BE VERY GLAD TO HEAR IT.

So what's new with me? Well, not much. I am keeping up with the goals I had set for myself during April, as well as chipping away at my hobbies. It will be a slow but rewarding process, and hopefully I can eventually share what I have learned here in a meaningful way that will act as a reflection of that progress. Japanese is kicking my ass though. The learning process is like those Matryoshka dolls - the little wooden russian dolls that open up to reveal more dolls. You want to learn a word, or a phrase? Well you have to learn the vocabulary, which consists of kanji, which consists of hanamura and radicals - and there are also other meanings and readings depending on the context you have to learn too! No wonder this shite takes years. The lengths I go to for a beautiful Japanime wife. Maybe I am just retarded because I am so used to English, but this feels significantly harder than learning English. There is something very old-fashioned about how Japanese is structured, the history just feels more ~present~. I enjoy it, and I will not be giving up.

I'm on this thing called Universal Credit. It is essentially unemployment money for being a lazy cunt. Every week I am summoned to the job centre to speak with my job manager to speak about CURRENT GOINGS ON. It is something that could be done in an email, but no, I have to pay a bus fare and go to the shitty town centre, potentially dealing with unsightly brown people and hordes of loud school children who openly say the n-word (it's only okay if I do that). There's a totally abandoned shopping centre I have to pass by each week, and it's always full of suspicious looking chinese people. I'd probably have better luck at getting a job if I had a word with them (I have historically had a positive relationship with Chinese individuals)! Bah. Anyway, they referred me to a thing called The King's Trust, and I have somehow gotten myself into doing a week-long music course with them? That should be fun? I always wanted to try messing with audio visualisation, which is why I chose that course specifically. You ever used Winamp? It's cool as hell, I wish I could plug it in to this website, I love when things sync with music :D. We shall see how it goes, and I will write another one of these when I feel like I have to.