It's too goddamn hot here. I was actually hoping it would get warmer a few weeks back, but this is way too far. My bedroom is practically a sauna, it's clearly not prepared for any kind of weather. It doesn't help that I'm stuck indoors all the time, maybe I should reconsider the notion of going outside for once... but I'll wait until I have a reason to do that. I'm going to the GFT for "A Better Tomorrow" and "The Furious" on Saturday, and frankly that's as much sun as I'll need. Apparently it's even hotter down in England by quite a large margin, so I should consider myself lucky I've not succumbed to heatstroke.

Did I ever tell you guys about my Tiktok page? I won't actually tell you what it is, of course, that's far too embarassing. But, it's notable because I've acquired about 16 thousand followers, and over 1 million culminative likes. I also got like £200 for free basically, and I don't even play to the algorithm. I have a video on youtube that has over 600k views and gets reposted a lot on various social media accounts I occasionally check, so I've created a minimal contribution to the cultural internet zeitgeist. It's not exactly impressive, but it's something at least. Tiktok is an absolutely rancid platform though, I don't use it for anything other than uploading videos - I don't even read comments or messages, I'm that disconnected.

I've also had clothes on my mind. I should buy clothes. I don't buy a lot of clothes very often, and I don't think I have an eye for it. I need a consultant on such things, and I couldn't trust any family for that. I'm sort of built weird, to be honest, and so most clothes look a little awkward on me. I now understand why most men wish to dress in the most generic way possible, we are incapable of understanding fashion - leave it to the fags and women, we think. I need to make myself more approachable in general, or else I'm bound to die alone -- which I'm probably going to do anyway, because I can't communicate at all. I have committed to various practices that will improve my appearance, but they are taking a while to bear fruit, and I need an instant boost to my confidence, which is where clothes would theoretically enter the picture.

Okay, so you're probably asking "Kyle, why does this website now look like a shitty DOOM mod?". I just thought the original design direction of the website was a little bit of a mess, there wasn't really a cohesive idea of how I wanted it to look. I figured I'd go all in on the skeleton theme and make it a little bit more morbid. As of writing it's still a bit unfinished, I've yet to figure out a good background colour for the text boxes. I was thinking maybe I acquire a skin texture, and then give all the p-tagged text an additional background layer, add yet another layer of depth, but I'll be sure to experiment a little before settling on something.

I've been on a little bit of a cinema run recently. I saw two John Woo movies: "Face/Off" and "The Killer" and I'm deliberating whether or not I wanted to do a double feature of "A Better Tomorrow" and the new martial arts movie "The Furious" next week. I went to the Glasgow Film Theatre for these, which is a pretty famous arthouse theatre, a lot of history in those walls. It's a great theatre too, very classy and old-fashioned, but the rooms still look really pretty. I also get a discount for being younger (only £6.90 a ticket!) and the seats are on a first-come-first-serve basis, which I personally love as an early bird. The audience is more refined that your average moviegoer, you definitely get the feeling that you're all properly invested in the film you're watching. I saw multiple people in suits with notepads, and I checked Letterboxd afterwards to read their pretentious reviews :P

"Face/Off" was so much fun. I had already seen it, but this was a 35mm cut on the big screen, so you got all the film grain and scratches which gave it a slightly different flavour than all those times I watched it in a live movie chatroom. If you haven't seen it, it stars Nicholas Cage as an international terrorist, and John Travolta as a family man FBI agent, and in order to prevent a terrorist plot Travolta must swap faces with Cage's character and attempt to gather intelligence on the plan. Swap faces. Face...off. Cage's character escapes and wreaks havoc with Travolta's face, while Travolta is stuck in prison as Cage's terrorist character. It is a ridiculous premise, but the action sequences and choreography are top notch. It's also incredibly funny, Travolta playing Cage's character has so much manic energy and it really got the audience cackling. The emotional melodrama doesn't exactly hit, due to how tongue-in-cheek every other aspect of the film is, but it doesn't matter because it's just pure entertainment and it's so well directed. I'm keeping things light on spoilers because I urge you to watch the film yourself, there was a few first-timers in my audience and it was great hearing their bewildered reactions. Awesome time.

"The Killer" was one I hadn't seen before, and I just watched it last night, so my memory is very fresh. It involves a contract killer played by Chun Yun-Fat who gets betrayed on the job, and has to both outsmart (or outgun) a group of deadly gangsters and a maverick police officer who doesn't play by the rules who is on his tail. It is a movie about brotherhood and love, and I really loved the relationships between all the major male characters, it's a very "dude's rock!" movie, with a lot of guns. The action choreography in this movie is so sick, you think you'd get sick of constant gunfire, but Woo manages to direct it in such an insane and engaging manner. The scale of the action naturally escalates as the film goes on, leading to an epic final shootout, and a devastating ending. The emotional melodrama in this one hit really hard, because it actually spends time developing the relationship between the characters, which is the crux of the film. I particularly enjoyed the trajectory of Chu Kong's manager character. The audience in this one was a little weird, laughing at the heavier moments of the film for some reason. It's obviously very melodramatic, but I don't know, it shows a little bit of immaturity. Someone called it "dumb fun" after it finished, and I think they missed the entire point. Whatever. I enjoyed it, especially this 4k restoration. The one complaint I'd have with the GFT is the lack of good quality speakers. It seems to be a thing a lot of theatres lack for some reason? Maybe I'm just an audiophile, but it's distracting. Do better.

With all this talk of movies, I think I should add a "Film" page to my website. I would probably want it to be a seperate page like the "Music" one, so it may take a bit for me to decide what I want to do with it design-wise. Oh, and I removed the "Thoughts" page, because I wasn't really using it at all. I don't want to force myself to put stuff there, I made this website so I could willingly and naturally add to it. So it's gone. I did not archive my writings. Good. You'll also notice that I've completely redone the music page, that colourful smog wasn't doing it for me.

I also realised today that I should probably take more advantage of my autism. You know you get free bus travel in Scotland if you're a sperg? I didn't until today. I got it for free until I was 22, but I've been paying like a chump since then. I need to get on that, and also potentially claim benefits. I don't really like the idea of claiming benefits, but if it's there waiting for me, why not take it? There are so many faking scroungers stealing our hard earned taxes nowadays, what's the harm if someone who is genuinely disabled fairly acquires a portion of that? I deserve good things, too :P

Is there a solution to this constant burnout I suffer from? I feel like I do more than the average person does in a day, but it never feels like enough. My typical daily routine consists of waking up after noon, doing my Japanese reviews and learning new kanji and vocabulary on three seperate apps (this takes around 40 minutes), listening to my daily album, and then working on a portion of whatever creative project I'm working on. I eat and excrete at appropriate times, I drink at least 5 pints of water in a day, and I end it all by doing exercises and sleeping in the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes I read or watch a movie, depending on my mood. Oh, and my eczema condition has to be treated daily, of course. Showering, too. I think I just need to go outside more, honestly.

The issue with going outside and touching grass is that it's pointless. I don't feel as if I'm gaining anything, it just feels like a waste of time. I could be working on something during that period. I'm not exactly situated in an interesting locale, either. It's just houses. Houses and an ugly road with ugly cars that make loud, ugly noises. You know what I really need? Purpose. I need to either have children, or find a religion, or both. The latter is naturally the more doable option. But what do I actually believe in? I can't just force myself to believe in something, that's not how it works. I may spend some amount of time researching my options, and see if anything resonates with me. Christianity would be a good one, just due to the fact that Britain is *supposed* to be a Christian nation, and I would be most likely to find a welcoming community there. But, I do find value in all those more cosmic Eastern beliefs... although it's probably easier to be pacifistic and tranquil when you don't live in an invaded shithole like Britain. I have been failed by my country, and the education system.

I think I need companionship. I am a person who has never had a real friend, ever. I've been a social recluse for over a decade, and it's starting to rot my brain. I'm in my early twenties still, but if I don't find someone to latch onto soon, I think I'm never going to be happy. Being a medium-ugly autistic white male is genuinely worse than rape. Hiring managers smell it on you, and immediately disregard you as a valuable asset. Normies look down on you and actively avoid you, as if I somehow don't want to have companionship. I befriended a schizo who ran that website WEB CORPUS, but that's over now, and I would literally give anything to be back with that person. ANYTHING. That was the first real thing I ever had with someone, and it's gone. I haven't talked to a single person my age in an entire year. I wish I was the kind of autistic person who felt completely ambivalent about these things, and I thought I was that kind of autist, but clearly I'm not. I made a mistake about who I thought I was, and it has cost me my life.

I've cleared the whole scholarship debacle out of my mind. I have vented, and now it is over. Fuck the "villain arc" whatever that even means. I'm a good person, too good to suddenly pivot into like... shoplifting, or whatever. I will continue to be a good person. Anyone who actively slights me is objectively a bad person. I will not be sad when they die.

LMAO at me thinking literally any fucking good thing can happen in my life. Earlier today, I got an email from the scholarship organisation - the offer has been withdrawn! Because of an administrative error. Fucking bullshit incompetence. Apparently, they had a link to the application on the university website, and this was unintended. There was one scholarship for my course, and it has already been allocated to some shitskin, probably. Talk about a kick in the balls. It's so fucking predictable, any time anything good happens to me, it's taken away shortly after despite me not doing anything wrong. I've gone through so fucking much, and I don't deserve it? I think it's clear I earned my scholarship, because they wouldn't have contacted me otherwise, but they realised that they made a stupid error (which they haven't fixed by the way, I checked) and had to withdraw it. These people are worthless.

So yeah, whatever. I guess I only have myself to blame for putting faith in literally anyone, why do I even bother? The email doesn't even feel genuine, some chinky oriental cocksucker with rhyming names copy-pasted corpo-speak with no human emotion whatsoever. I think I'm going to start my villain arc now. Fuck everyone, I'm only in it for myself. Fuck ethics, fuck loyalty, fuck standards. Now I'm probably not actually going to do anything, but fuck if my perspective hasn't changed.

I have such a turbulent personality, because now I actually feel a bit better. Maybe it's just because the progress I'm making on my various endeavours is actually starting to bear fruit -- I'm beginning to read Japanese sentences, and have figured out a lot of keyboard terminology and can do all the scales without too much isssue. It's all beginning to come together. I wish I had started these in my younger years, I was so wrought with depression and isolation back then, and I didn't even consider these kinds of hobbies as viable options. I would say I'm a decently intelligent person, but I am hopeless at retaining information reliably, learning with the intent to apply those learnings later on is a massive issue for me. So I've been pretty discouraged to expand my skillset, but now it's becoming an appealing option.

Another reason I'm feeling a bit more up is that I got a scholarship for the masters course I'm undertaking later this year! It feels insanely good to have the knowledge I won't be oweing anyone anything for the duration of my life, just a massive weight off of my shoulders. The only downside is that the scholarship is with this organisation called The Data Lab, and they have these little ceremony/meeting type things (I'm not entirely sure what is involved there), with attendance being compulsory... but honestly, I'm not fussed about it. I mean, this might actually be an opportunity to acquire companionship, seeing as I will likely be meeting fellow autisitc retards like me, because the scholarship is aimed at the technology-focused uni courses. I'm happy. Big validation day for me >:]

I exercise a little every night. I've mentioned this, but I haven't talked about it, really. I have been doing it for about one month now, with only one or two skips. It's not much -- warmup and stretching, followed by 15 push-ups, 20 squats, 30-40 second plank, 20 lunges, 30 sec mountain climbers, and then 15 glute bridges. I'm thinking that after another month of slowly getting into that routine, I'll do two rounds of it instead of a single one, and then when I'm comfortable I can do it thrice a day. Get litty. I also have a treadmill I use periodically for about 30-40 minutes at a time. I'm not in the best shape, I weigh about 12 stone which isn't the worst thing ever, but I do sort of want to not be a fat fuck at age 30. I figure it'll also help with my eczema somehow, I think my general inactivity it making it more aggressive.

It is the 9th of June and I have not updated my shitty little diary. I suppose I should. It's nice to do these and record all the nothing I've been doing.

My mood has been swinging quite rapidly in either direction as of recent. I've had some very dire bouts of depression where I want to end my own life (which I will never do, do not get it twisted) reaches its peak. Then, an hour later, I am actually having a bit of fun with my life, even if I'm not specifically enjoying anything. I haven't genuinely enjoyed anything in so long. It's all work -- even my design stuff, that I do for fun, is not fun at all, it's fucking work. I'm so terrified that I've lost the ability to actually feel. I've never felt emptier than I have the past week.

Music production is kicking my ass. Where do people find the good sounds? Why is every little thing monetised? I know I can pirate everything, but it's such a pain in the ass downloading so much goddamn software. I hate software. I regularly do a wellness check on my PC and I point blank execute anything that isn't pulling its weight. Japanese isn't much better either, I have gotten addicted to WaniKani and I shelled out money to get a premium subscription for something that could have essentially been done for free -- but I guess I'm paying for the time saved and the superior platform. My wallet isn't the only one being raped, my eczema has been thoroughly molesting my skin for 5 years now, and shows no sign of stopping. I thought I could just slap on cream daily, then do it less consistently, and ramp it up on occasional flares, but it never shows any sign of ceasing ever. I genuinely think it has halved my productivity, because it fucks with my sleeping schedule, general mood, comfortability, and obviously the time spent applying the cream and scraching and shit. If it wasn't for that godforsaken skin condition I could maybe be in a better place all around.