Well, I got the scholarship (again). Hopefully it's actually for good! If it gets withdrawn again I might just start a campus shooting. I think I would do okay if I were to enact an attack like that. The key would be to go in a busy classroom, or lecture hall, and just open fire. You're bound to surpass the numbers achieved by other mass shooters, since you're basically shooting fish in a barrel of unarmed, unprepared, hungover students.

I don't think I'd leave a note or anything like that, before I am inevitably taken down by the SWAT team, or whatever. A shooting is a pretty immoral and evil act in the majority of circumstances, and whatever I wrote down as my justification would be major cope. I might pretend to be gay so an auteur can make a film about it in 20 years. In the cinema, I saw a trailer for this film about a married sailor cheating on his wife for a much younger, tattoed, rebellious deckhand. Directed by a woman, of course. You have to question when they're going to stop these women with very clear fetishes writing movies that essentially amount to shitty yaoi fanfiction. It's also the only trailer I saw, so my estimation of upcoming movies is at an all time low.

I haven't been too into updating this website, I apologise. There's still some stuff I want to do. I might try to write more reviews for the film and music I watch, because at least then I'd have something to say. It all still feels very bare, even though we're about 3 months in at this point. I guess there's no rush, I still don't really have any evidence that people read what I say. Oh well. You can tell that when I'm pontificating upon these irrelevant topics, my real life isn't going to poorly -- which is true, I guess, but it's still pretty boring!

This heat is amazing. I love warm weather, I feel more energised than ever before! Unfortunately, very little is happening. Very, very little. I am so bored. I am looking for excuses to go outside. I'm going to the cinema tomorrow to see "Big Night", a movie that I have no knowledge of, but if it gets me out in the town, why not? I am a sensitive soul, the winters in Scotland last like 8 months, so excuse me if I'm trying to get the most value possible out of the brief sunny period.

I have officially been granted another chance at this godforsaken scholarship. I have pieced together the puzzle -- the application I had initially completed (and got me accepted) had a prerequisite application that was not linked on the website. I have only recently completed the prerequisite application, and gotten the link to the actual official application today, after my eligibility status had been verified. This is my theory, anyway. Hopefully it works out. I really, really don't want to pay back a student loan, even if the amount is pretty low (so low that it could be erased within a year). We shall see.

In other news, I am still completely burnt out. I do not enjoy things anymore. I simply do them. I have no passion or love for anything or anybody. I am 10 days closer to the eventual suicide decider date and I have not moved an inch towards the "I want to live" point. The heat is pleasant, but it may also be making me slightly delirious and paranoid. I don't want it to be like this any more.

The famed "scholarship incident" returns. So, do you recall how it my unintended offer stemmed from an "administrative error"? Well, I checked the website, the one that links to the scholarship application form - and guess what? It has been updated to state that there is an available scholarship in the course I'm studying. This was 100% AFTER the incident. What the fuck? So what is it? I'm losing my goddamn mind here.

The plot thickens, too. I click the application link, and it's a totally different application! Different questions and everything. I'm losing it. What is happening? Why is it different? I'm hate being jerked around like this. Can I just get a solid answer from these people? At least it puts some hope back into me, but it's still extremely confusing.

I'm seeing The Godfather Part 2 on Friday. Put my mind off things for a while, y'know? I just really hope I don't need to pee.

I saw the Godfather last Saturday. Good movie, probably as good as people were telling me it was (and by that I don't mean actual people, I mean reviews or comments that were directly addressed towards the viewer, which would be me in my specific circumstance). Unfortunately, I had to haul some major ass to get there, because half of the city centre was closed down due to the dreaded "walks", and I miserably walked like one and a half miles up a slight incline for 25 minutes. I was not in the best physical or mental state to face that.

I haven't been feeling too great this past while, to be honest. Maybe because it has been a year since I graduated and I'm exactly where I was back then. No job. Countless interviews, no doubt, but no, these fucking hiring managers can sniff the autism and depression out of me like a bloodhound apparently. I wish I could just appear and act like a normal person sometimes. I miss when I had a friend. I don't really have any friends now, I am pretty sure I'm just destined to never have any because I am so socially underdeveloped and unhappy. People tend to not like that kind of thing. I thought this website, and this blog, would act as an outlet for my years and years worth of bottled up unhappiness, but it's not doing that at all. I don't think a single person is aware of the weight of what I'm currently carrying... and I could handle it for a while, a long while, I'm a pretty mentally strong person when it comes to keeping my composure and hiding my true feelings, but now I'm starting to crack a little.

Suicide is starting to present itself as an option, although it is an extreme length to go to. I'm not planning on doing that anytime soon, I think, I'll at least give it a year. If I'm still this unhappy this time, next year, then I'll do it. I don't think I'm mentally strong enough in my current state to go through with it, to be entirely honest... but a year would give me plenty opportunity to work myself up towards it, and push myself headfirst into it without thinking too hard. It's not a very selfish decision, because not a single person values me or relies on me as an alive entity. Sure, some people "care" about me, mostly when it comes to my familial relationships, but that's moreso because we're related and have spent a lot of time around each other. Anybody outside of that circle will get over it in a month, tops.

I don't really want to kill myself or anything, it is a bit lame and predictable, and there is a lot I kinda want to do while I'm still alive. I'm just thinking for myself, and what the best option for me would be if I'm going to be feeling like this for at least a long, long while. If I do go forward with it, I won't be leaving any kind of stupid note, and I won't even say anything on this website to be honest. My last blog here would be the usual shit "oh i watched some slop at the cinema" or something like that. I don't want to die, honestly. I really, really, don't. I'll do my best to talk myself out of it! I'm sure this is just my depression having a momentary extreme spike, and we'll be back to our regular schedule of miserable self loathing (without the suicidal thoughts) in a few weeks. Hopefully, anyway. Don't worry about me!!! Seriously!!! I have to emphasise this or else you might!!!